Joan is stuck in the UK!

I have a lot of e-mail exchanges with people at work and naturally, I get a lot of spam and junk mail. Every now and then I get one of those, "Hey, I'm stuck out in [insert foreign country], I got robbed, send me some money and I'll pay you back when I'm back in the US..." I used to ignore these, but in the last few months I started responding and carrying conversations out with these people. It's a lot of fun, but they usually don't keep talking to me. This wasn't the case with "Joan;" today's was different. The person on the other end was very persistent. I had a lot of fun doing this e-mail exchange and I'll post it here for your reading pleasure: (Please excuse the messed up font, font sizing, and spacing. I obviously suck at blog formatting.)

From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@sbcglobal.net]
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:47 AM
Subject: TERRIBLE SITUATION......HELP NEEDED...........Joan Hamblin

Good Day, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my trip. I'm currently in London United Kingdom,my family and I came down here for a short vacation unfortunately we were robbed at the park of the hotel where we stayed,worse of it was that our bags, cash , credit cards and cell phone were stolen of us at GUN POINT, it's such a crazy experience for us. we need help flying back home and the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is that we still have our passports but don't have enough money to get our flight tickets back home and pay for the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave.I'm just gonna have to plead with you to lend me some funds right now,I'll pay back as soon as I get home. We need to sort the hotel bills and get on the next available flight home. Am freaked out at the moment.. Thanks.. Joan ---------- From: Andrey Gorban <agorban@bobsredmill.com> Subject: RE: TERRIBLE SITUATION......HELP NEEDED...........Joan Hamblin To: joanhamblin@ymail.comDate: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 9:03 AM Joan, That’s so awful!! I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to you, John, Chris, and Newt. Is Newt with you guys actually? I thought that he started his first term at the University of Gresham this winter, but I might be mistaken. Anyway, I can definitely help you out with some money, how much will you need? What hotel are you guys staying at? Let me know how to get the money to you and I’ll get on it right away. Holding you deep and gentle, Andrey Gorban Customer Service Representative Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods (971)206-2231

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From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@ymail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 9:25 AM
To: Andrey Gorban
Cc: Andrey Gorban
Subject: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin

I'm so glad to hear back from you.All i need is £1,550.00 POUNDS cos I'm being held to ransom by the hotel management because i cannot settle the hotel bills and it is clear i won't be allowed to leave until i pay the bills.Word cannot explain the anguish in my heart now.I'll refund it to you as soon as I arrive home.You can wire it to my name from a western union outlet around you.I can receive it there within minutes right after you have wired the cash to my name... Here are the details needed to get it to me Receivers Name: Joan Hamblin Location : 10b Archway Mall London , N195RG, Country : United Kingdom As soon as you done with the western union transfer kindly get back to me with the MTCN #? ---------- From: Andrey Gorban <agorban@bobsredmill.com> Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin To: "JOAN HAMBLIN" <joanhamblin@ymail.com> Date: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 9:57 AM Joan, My lunch is in an hour and 14 minutes, and I will run to the Western Union as quickly as my little feet can carry me. I’ll just wire you £2,000.00 so you can have a little bit of extra money to eat and buy some nice thick socks for John since his feet are always cold. I can’t believe that pesky hotel manager! That reminds me of the time that I traveled to Lithuania with four of my aunts and we all had to stay in one room because my family is so Gosh-darned frugal (excuse my language). When we were leaving to travel to Romania to get some dental work done the hotel manager at our hotel approached me about stains on the towels that they couldn’t wash out. I told him I knew nothing about the stains and that he needed to talk to one of my aunts about it, seeing as how I was somewhat uncomfortable doing so. He refused and yelled at me for a good while before I cracked and paid him the $2.18. We thoroughly enjoyed our dental adventures in the towns of Romania , but I never did forget that pesky hotel manager (especially when I found 25 kilograms of cabbage rolls for $2.15). Anyway… so is Newt with you? I tried calling him and Uriah but couldn’t reach either of them. Newt promised me he would let me borrow the first two seasons of Step by Step; do you know anything about that? Will they provide the MTCN# at the Western Union ? I’m not sure what that is (shows you how much money transferring I do to the UK ). Hugs, cuddles, and kisses, Andrey Gorban Customer Service Representative Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods (971)206-2231 ---------- From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@ymail.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:06 AM To: Andrey Gorban Cc: Andrey Gorban Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin Just keep me posted as soon as you have done with the transfer.... Owe you alot ---------- From: Andrey Gorban <agorban@bobsredmill.com> Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin To: "JOAN HAMBLIN" <joanhamblin@ymail.com> Date: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 10:25 AM I just called the Western Union and they’re asking for a contact phone number to put down for the transfer, what number should I use? You still haven’t told me whether or not Newt went with you guys; I feel like that’s somewhat rude considering the fact that I’ve asked twice now. I know you’re in a tough situation right now, but I really do want to get to watching Step by Step tonight after work. That Frank Lambert is a hoot! Do you remember when the series came to a close? That was one of the worst days of my life; I still haven’t really bounced back after those three years of depression and therapy. That therapist was crazy… can you believe he told me there must be some underlying issue and that my depression and suicidal tendencies couldn’t just be a result of a television series coming to a close? No way pal! I just miss the Lamberts and their beautiful life! Is that so wrong? The end of Boy Meets World was rough too, but I was prepared this time! Please get back to me with that contact phone number as soon as you can! Back massages and rainbows, Andrey Gorban Customer Service Representative Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods (971)206-2231 ---------- From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@ymail.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:32 AM To: Andrey Gorban Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin   I told you that i don't have access to phone right now,you can use your phone number to put down the transfer,kindly get back to me with the western union details.. ---------- From: Andrey Gorban <agorban@bobsredmill.com> Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin To: "JOAN HAMBLIN" <joanhamblin@ymail.com> Date: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 11:15 AM Joan, By golly, I've been reviewing your e-mails and can't find any mention of you not having a phone number. Was it one of those "read between the lines" things? I've never been very good with that, or reading for that matter. Can you just give me the hotel's phone number? Even a fake one would work; who will ever know? I don't have a phone number, remember? I'm trying to stay off the grid as much as I can and eventually want to get rid of my e-mail address. Good thing I haven't done it yet, or else I wouldn't be able to help you out of this pickle! I've been thoroughly inspired by this Bear Grylls character and I think with some training, I too can survive out in the wild. So since you keep avoiding the question about Newt, I'm left to assume you didn't want to take him on your trip and you're feeling some shame now. But that still doesn't explain why he isn't getting back to me... I'm getting somewhat anxious. You don't think he'd let someone else borrow the VHS tapes, do you? I certainly hope not, I don't know what I'd do. I've watched about as much Sabrina the Teenage Witch I can handle! I need a change and SxS (Step by Step, for short) was just what the naturopathic doctor order! Anywho... I'm heading out to the Western Union in one minute and you'll be out of the UK in no time! Away from the terrible food, bad weather, mean people, and most importantly; thieves. What middle initial should I put down on ther form for you? I can't remember your middle name; I'm so sorry, I know I'm a terribly mother. Passionate embraces and harp melodies, Andrey Gorban Customer Service Representative Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods (971)206-2231 ---------- From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@ymail.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 11:29 AM To: Andrey Gorban Cc: Andrey Gorban Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin Once you have it done kindly get back to me with the Western Union confirmation details.. I owe you a lot ---------- From: Andrey Gorban <agorban@bobsredmill.com> Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin To: "JOAN HAMBLIN" <joanhamblin@ymail.com> Date: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 11:39 AM You still haven't told me a fake phone number or a middle initial! I need these to complete the transaction Joan! I'm at the Western Union office and the young dark-skinned fellow at the counter is giving me a hard time. Are you not sharing your middle initial because you're trying to stay off the grid too? The quicker you get that information to me, the quicker you can get out of fake America. Kittens in blankets, Andrey Gorban Customer Service Representative Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods (971)206-2231

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From: JOAN HAMBLIN [mailto:joanhamblin@ymail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 11:47 AM
To: Andrey Gorban
Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin

 

Okay...447024092830,hang in here to read from you..

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From: Andrey Gorban
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 12:05 PM
To: "JOAN HAMBLIN" <joanhamblin@ymail.com>
Subject: RE: THE NEEDED DETAILS......Joan Hamblin

 

Joan, I have amazing news! Rolandino (the Argentinian gentleman from the Western Union) will be joining us in our backcountry adventures to disappear from society! Apparently he has some military training and even took a karate class when he was younger; he can protect us from any dangers while we train! He's very excited to meet you and we will be there to pick you up from the airport when you fly in.

And now for the bad news... I still can't reach Newt! I'm getting rather upset, I think I'll just go to his and Uriah's dormitory. I NEED those VHS tapes... I'm starting to panic and get shortness of breath thinking that I might have to listen to another one of Salem's arrogant rants on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Can you help me out here?

The MTCN number for your money is 297LOL6547. Nice "phone number," by the way *wink, wink.*

See you soon; I'll start packing and spending my free time in army surplus stores.

High-fives and lollipops,

Andrey Gorban

Customer Service Representative

Bob's Red Mill Natural Foods

(971)206-2231